Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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