She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
