i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
