and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
