the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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