why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
