You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
