girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
