Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
