I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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