Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
