chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
