Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
