Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
