so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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