I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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