This is not my ceiling
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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