I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
