Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
