I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
