Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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