it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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