If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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