Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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