Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
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