Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
