can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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