My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
