I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
