the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
