Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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