I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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