I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
