NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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