I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
