Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
