How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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