my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need moral support for this bender
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
