On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
