dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
