Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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