Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
