VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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