apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
