it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
