is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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