somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
