giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
