I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize