Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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