I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
