Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want to make out with him forever
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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