I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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