The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
