I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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