FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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