Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
