my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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