We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
