dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
