Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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