apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
