The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
