Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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