Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
