I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
